ALana, Meet Alice

Alana, Meet Alice

My friend Alana has danced countless hours in front of the studio mirror. And then one day while no one was looking, something amazing happened. She ventured through the looking glass to meet Alice: A tale of early-onset dementia.

“I’m not strange, weird, off, nor crazy, my reality is just different from yours.” Lewis Carroll

Alana Beidelman and I have a history that revolves around dance. I own a dance studio, and she has danced-out-loud — practically since birth.

In 1993 we joined forces.

My first interaction with this luminous redhead was in my jazz dance class. Me, teacher. She, student.. By observing, it took mere seconds to see that she was a pro. In fact, I later learned that Alana was actress Shelly Long’s body-double in the film “Outrageous Fortune” where the actress launches into a grand jete across an expansive canyon. Of course we don’t see Alana’s face, but the film captures her perfect in-air splits. And in tight blue jeans!

“Well, some go this way, and some go that way. But as for me, myself, personally, I prefer the short-cut.” LC

Back at Studio A Dance, it wasn’t long before Alana was invited to be a part of our studio’s company “Cumulus.” Additionally, within the time it takes to travel across the oak floor via pas de bourrie, she became a ballet and tap instructor at the studio. And she and I great friends, and decades-long dance partners. We performed to songs like Natalie Cole’s “L-O-V-E ,” Frank Sinatra’s “The Way You Look Tonight” and the theme to “Peter Gunn” to name a few. We also hit the stage at Cerritos college, where she was on the dance faculty. One piece that stands out in my mind was to Ella Fitzgerald’s version of “Stone Cold Dead In The Market.” This silly, Jamacian-inspired song relays the story of a woman so fed up with her husband’s abuse that she kills him in the public market with a frying pan and rolling pin. And yes, we acted this out in a dance romp. So much fun!

Stone Cold Dead In The Market

Although her personality is soft-spoken and unassuming, on stage she has no problem slipping into queen of camp. Meanwhile, away from the studio Alana’s fingers were on the pulse of the LA’s cultural hub. Alana was executive assistant to Gordon Davidson, the founding artistic director of Los Angeles’ Center Theatre Group, as well as their Board Liaison. To my delight, I was invited by Alana as her guest to many opening night galas. The edible spreads were often over the top, but in those early days, what stands out in my mind more are her salads served at our fledgling dance company “galas,” and at her home “ballet barbeques.”

Mind you, Alana is no celebrity chef, but she does toss up a mean garden salad. Although this ballerina’s specialty of greens may be all the rave, what sates the appetite more is the purity and sweetness that emanates from her soul. I’ve known this curly-topped talent for more than 32 years, and not only do we share our love for dance, we share the same gardener. His name is Jose. This gentle-man is also Val’s (Alana’s sister) gardener. At this point one may surmise that Jose has a relation to Alana’s salad, but no, her crisp leaves are sourced from the local market’s produce section.

“Only a few find the way, some don’t recognize it when they do — some… don’t ever want to.” LC

Big sis Val relays the story of how one day in early 2024, Jose runs into Alana at home, finding her underweight, weak and aimlessly wandering. He instantly assessed, and determined she was quite confused and in need of nourishment. This caring soul rode down the hill to the “baby” Target and bought her some food. Soon thereafter, communication of Alana’s state opened up between Josè and Val.

“Not all who wander are lost.” LC

Long story short: following many medical evaluations (an unimaginable journey led by Valerie) it is determined Alana has early onset of dementia. Today I ask: How could my friend, this sparkling radiant ruby, be in this altered state? By the time I find out — many months later — I think back to our last interaction. She rang me in early November 2023 asking for a mechanic recommendation to replace her starter. I remember she seemed a little panicked, maybe even a little off, but otherwise clear. I called her a few days later and left a message to see if she had any success, but no response. Maybe I should have paid more attention because this was not like her. I tried a few more times but simply let it go.

I did not trust my instincts.

“When you’ve understood this scripture, throw it away. If you can’t understand this scripture, throw it away. I insist on your freedom.” LC

Fast forward some months to Regent Oak Knoll, a fancy-name for a live-in memory care facility in Pasadena. A place where stream-of-consciousness reigns, and where I’m convinced every employee has been hired due to their enthusiasm and innate glowing spirit — like that of high school team cheerleaders.

“Birds of a feather flock together.” LC

The first visit to see Alana post-diagnosis is with my friend Jeanine. The visit is difficult. (I have not seen Alana in nearly a year) The usual sure-footed, triple-turning ballerina is now unrecognizable and her prima stature diminished. Her appearance? Wilted, hunched over. Added to that, her now uncharacteristic tortoise-paced gait resembles that of a person inflicted with polio. But you know what? She is smiling.

”Well! I’ve often seen a cat without a grin,” thought Alice; “but a grin without a cat! It’s the most curious thing I ever saw in all my life!” LC

I’m in too much shock to express any emotion. I’m in a state where I feel like balling my eyes out, but no outward proof is on display. (I’m numb) Instead, “cheerful” Bill smiles and makes small talk while below the surface he is in disbelief, and will cry later that day, in his own time.

“Alice replied, rather shyly, “I — I hardly know, Sir, just at present — at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.” LC

Yet on that very day I reflect on how important our friendship is, and I shall never look back to this day of profound sadness. Instead, I think about the many times I’ve heard Alana recite in her squeaky Shirley Temple voice “Turn that frown upside down,” index finger pointed to her dimple.

“If you’ll believe in me, I’ll believe in you. Is that a bargain?” LC

Each subsequent visit gives me not only a rush of joy, but a gift to behold of being in the moment. I am lifted from all the minutia of my daily life and transported to a place of wholeness.

I thank Alana for this gift. Every visit, I thank her for this gift.

Here’s what I realize early on. Jump into Alana’s dream and enjoy the ride. Conversations may not make sense, but neither do most dreams. Adventure was never lost on Alice In Wonderland.

Sometimes after diving down the rabbit hole, I take on the role of navigator, guiding this spaceship of wonder. For example, one day while sitting in the garden courtyard, Alana — in a state of panic — tells me she sees a person on a nearby balcony dangerously close to the edge. I look up to see a bushy, yet erect potted plant. I calm the tenseness. That’s funny,” I reply, “I thought the same thing, then I blinked a couple times and realized it’s just a plant. Try blinking” I suggest. Following a hard blink, she says “I could have sworn…” “Yeah, me too.”

“You may have noticed, I’m not all there myself.” LC

On another “visit,” this time with my friend Joey, I proclaim in my best game-show host tone “ it’s time to play name that sitcom!” I immediately sing out “da-da, dut-dut-da-dut-dut; name the sitcom!” I demand. I see the twinkle in Alana’s eye as she promptly replies, while her finest Cheshire grin is on display “I Dream of Jeannie” At that moment, I experience that feeling of sliding safely into home base — in slow motion — and realize that the non-dementia part of her brain has been tapped, and is — for this moment — alive and well. The game continues and will resurface in several future visits with replies for the most part being spot-on.

When stepping through the portal of Oak Knoll, to make this work, I realize my visit must be fully immersive, nothing is scheduled for the rest of my day, if I can make it happen. I don’t want time constraints to hinder the visit’s magic. First the journey takes the form of a kids’ game: “Alana, Alana, come out come out where you are”. I greet the receptionist and ask if they know where Alana is. (She could be one of many places: the Daisy room/ arts and crafts , the living room/ trivia/ OT/ karoke, the dining room, the cafe, or sitting outside in the garden) On my way to Alana, I pass resident Ginny, to whom I give a hello, she only responds with a suspicious nod. Then there’s Lillian from Belgium. When I say hello to her, she simply speaks in word salad, and now it’s my turn to nod, but in solidarity.

“No, no! The adventures first, explanations take such a dreadful time. LC

I find Alana in the living Room where there’s ballroom dancing competition on the big screen. I greet Alana “hi!” She seems surprised (she always does) and offers a cheerful hello then dives intently back to a pad and paper, and the ballroom competition. I figure she’s judging the competition, but I’m wrong. Instead, she’s writing down names of the songs that she is hearing.

I decide that today the visit requires less verbal interaction, and just hanging out and observing my good friend. She is so rapt with the music and the television that I simply just sit next to her and revel in her focus. I notice that she looks really good: she has gained weight so her face has filled out. I ask if we can take a selfie together. “Sure” she replies with a big beamer.

“When I used to read fairy tales, I fancied that kind of thing never happened, and now here I am in the middle of one!” LC

Another time I bring my dog Mimi, a shihtzu who loves living the lap of luxury — literally. Mimi and I escort Alana outdoors to where Alana settles in the first chair in sight. I ask her to scoot out of the sun so her fair-skinned skin won’t burn. I hand her Mimi.

On this particular afternoon, I learn about all of Alana’s dogs throughout her lifetime. Kees, Shadow, and McCree, to name just a few.

During all visits, there are tangents. One in particular is the loss of her purse, or was it stolen? She wonders. Others include she missed a rehearsal, or her boss is mad at her because she lied. “I never lie, and Gordon should know that”

“Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” LC

I always have responses “I’m sure your purse is at reception, rehearsal was rescheduled, and you are definitely reading into Gordon’s accusation. He probably meant …”

“Go Ask Alice, I think she’ll know” Jefferson Airplane

The outing: One day I pick up Alana for her birthday lunch at my house. When I arrived at Oak Knoll, Val was helping Alana get ready for the big event. She dressed Alana in a new sparkly sweater, and American Beauty Rose-colored lipstick. I am “wowed,” by her appearance. Guests included close friends and past ballet students, celebrating our dear friend. Although she was joyfully holding court, it was our gourmet black coffee that gave her the biggest thrill .. …. and buzz. “More please”

“Take some more tea,” the March Hare said to Alice, very earnestly.
“I’ve had nothing yet,” Alice replied in an offended tone, “so I can’t take more.” “You mean you can’t take less,” said the Hatter: “it’s very easy to take more than nothing.” “Nobody asked your opinion,” said Alice.” LC

About a month ago, when I pulled in my garage, I noticed Josè taking a break from trimming the Bougainvillea. He approached me asking how Alana was doing. I told him that she’s doing just fine. His response did not take me by surprise, but did give me a warm feeling. He asked me if I wouldn’t mind giving him the address of where she was now living, and would it be okay if he could stop in and visit. As for me? I look forward to the many memories in store.

“How can one look forward to a memory when one has not had one yet? On the other hand,without looking forward to a memory, a memory cannot be created, can it?” William Brown

“In a Wonderland they lie, Dreaming as the days go by, Dreaming as the summers die: Ever drifting down the stream- Lingering in the golden gleam- Life, what is it but a dream?” Lewis Carroll